A requiem for Oscar Madison

Dave Kindred on the sportswriting character that the recently-departed Jack Klugman made famous:

“Anybody can be hard on Lance Armstrong. Oscar was hard on Christmas: ‘Don’t talk to me about Christmas, will ya? All that sticky, phony goodwill. I’d like to get a giant candy cane and beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy.’

“When Felix complained that Oscar poured ketchup on salad, Oscar said, ‘So? I like ketchup. It’s like tomato wine.’

“Wait, what’s Oscar doing to his arm? ‘Sterilizing the wound.’ Felix was aghast: ‘With beer?’ Oscar: ‘It’s got alcohol in it.’

“The pair went to the horse races at Belmont Park, Oscar at the $100 window, Felix fretting about his own bet. ‘If he doesn’t win,’ Felix said, ‘I lose everything.’ Oscar harrumphed: ‘Yeah, the whole two dollars.’ ”

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